My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
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[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I’d … I’d rather not.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.