Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
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Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.