Cardio? Is that in Spain?
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Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”