Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
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“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact