In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
You Might Also Like
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.