I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
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observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Who called it baking and not making love
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.