therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
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Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
The glockness monster
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*