Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
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I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
The pasta is now
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
U talkin 2 me?
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation