Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
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Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo