M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
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Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
✌🏽
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.