You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)