How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
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Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
good let them take over I have had enough
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.