Swedish for common sense.
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I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.