I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
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[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
🤯🤯🤯
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.