I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
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Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
*aggressively waits in line*
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]