It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
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I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick