I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
You Might Also Like
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*