Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
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early stone age tool
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
S/o to @funTweeters .
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.