*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
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It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.