Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
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daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it