reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I’m about to risk it all
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
The only good comments section online is on recipes
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm