Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
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If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.