toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
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*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Lmao
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.