me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
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accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone