While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
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48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.