If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
me 2 months after i graduated
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.