I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
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I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Thrilling chase underway
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?