“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
You Might Also Like
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST