“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
You Might Also Like
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
rise and shine we got egg
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?