Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
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GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”