Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
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Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
#inspiration #foodforthought
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
multitasking lunch
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?