Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
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*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.