“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
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Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t