At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
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This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
3% human
97% stress
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France