Plant care tips
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WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”