You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
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My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.