Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
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[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Still laughing at this stupid meme