Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
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My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
spot the difference