[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol