Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
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I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.