Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
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the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Cndnsd Mlk
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
*sewing*
A thread
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay