Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
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I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.