I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
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“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.