dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
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evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
The Onion called it…again.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
oh you wanna fight?!
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Oh no