Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
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Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I’m dying louder than usual today.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
the Monday after daylight savings
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*