This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
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If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…