WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
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ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
thanks auntie mary
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
new career option?
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.