I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
You learn something every day
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?