A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
You Might Also Like
(True)
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
describing stardew valley
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.