£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
You Might Also Like
ready to be harvested
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.